2026-2027 Week 3 Round Up

Purdy Young Things vs Hate Us Cause They Ain’t Us

Twenty-Eight Hundredths From the Abyss

There are defeats, there are catastrophes, and then there is losing a fantasy-football matchup by 0.28 points—an amount so microscopic and obscene that it should require laboratory equipment to detect. Purdy Young Things survived Hate Us Cause They Ain’t Us, 129.02–128.74, and staggered away at 3–0 like a grinning casino thief who escaped through the kitchen while the alarms were screaming.

Jaxon Smith-Njigba was the main chemical agent, detonating for 37.36 points. Derrick Henry supplied 21.9, and the Vikings defense produced 16, which proved crucial because Josh Allen scored only 17.46, Bucky Irving managed 7.8, and De’Von Achane delivered a diseased little 1.7. Derek Chimner had three legitimate weapons: Christian Watson scored 22.6, James Cook added 21.4, and Tee Higgins posted 21. But Isaiah Likely’s 3.3 and the Seahawks defense’s 2 became evidence at the tribunal.

Final: Purdy Young Things 129.02, Hate Us Cause They Ain’t Us 128.74.

Christopher Shoemaker remains unbeaten and atop the standings. Chimner falls to 0–3, defeated by twenty-eight hundredths—the numerical equivalent of discovering the firing squad won a recount.

QB PARTY vs Diamond Dogs

Swift Misses the Border by One Point

The Diamond Dogs entered Monday night needing 11.81 points from D’Andre Swift to complete the robbery. Swift scored 10.8. That left QB PARTY standing at 139.78, exactly one rotten point ahead of Kevin Ware’s 138.78. One point. The fantasy equivalent of crawling across the desert, seeing the casino lights, and dying beside the welcome sign.

Brian McElroy built his lead through Jahmyr Gibbs, who erupted for 41.4, and Brock Purdy, who added 35.28. Chris Olave supplied 21.7, which helped offset Kyle Pitts’ deranged 1.5 and Justin Jefferson’s deeply suspicious 5.2. Diamond Dogs countered with 37.3 from Bijan Robinson and 28.7 from Garrett Wilson. Even the Jaguars defense contributed nine. But C.J. Stroud managed 12.68, Dalton Kincaid delivered 3.8, and then Swift arrived Monday carrying exactly one point fewer than the Dogs required.

Final: QB PARTY 139.78, Diamond Dogs 138.78.

Both teams move to 2–1, but McElroy takes third place while Ware falls to sixth. The margin was one point, but fantasy football has never cared about proportion. It will destroy your week with a butter knife if that is the nearest available instrument.

Ace Trumpets vs Team Carl

Fear and Loathing in Team Carl

This was not a matchup. It was a savage public demonstration of what happens when one roster arrives armed and the other wanders in carrying a receipt and asking where everybody went. Ace Trumpets dismantled Team Carl, 150.64–102.12, behind 29.6 points from Brock Bowers, 23 from Matthew Golden, and 21.8 from Kyren Williams. George Pickens, Parker Washington and Deebo Samuel all reached 13 points, creating a relentless barrage from every available angle.

William Black even survived Saquon Barkley scoring only nine. That should have been a crisis. Instead, it was a minor accounting irregularity. Team Carl received 22.2 from CeeDee Lamb, 16.5 from Trey McBride, and 15 from Chuba Hubbard. Then the machinery broke down. Jalen Hurts scored 12.62, Jaylen Waddle managed 6.4, and TreVeyon Henderson offered 3.9, which is less a fantasy performance than a handwritten apology.

Final: Ace Trumpets 150.64, Team Carl 102.12.

Ace Trumpets earns its first victory and improves to 1–2. Carl also sits at 1–2, but with the distant stare of a man who has witnessed something at the waiver wire that can never be adequately explained.

I QUIT vs Make My Team Win Again

The Campaign Promise Collapses

Make My Team Win Again entered Week 3 with a magnificent slogan and left at 0–3, proving once again that political branding cannot protect a roster from its own running backs. I QUIT won 164.74–128.30, an outcome so comprehensive that Michael Carnicelli’s team name began to sound less like frustration and more like instructions for the opposition.

Ja’Marr Chase produced 24.8, Michael Wilson scored 25.9, Lamar Jackson supplied 22.44, and Kenneth Walker III added 21.3. Javonte Williams joined the raid with 18.3, while Tyler Warren contributed 14.7. There were points everywhere, crawling up the walls and pouring from the ventilation system. Gentry Radwanski received 27.8 from Tyler Shough, 24.1 from Harold Fannin Jr., and 16 from Harrison Mevis. But Jonathan Taylor and Jadarian Price combined for 10.4, while the Eagles defense scored precisely zero—the fantasy equivalent of sending an empty envelope marked “reinforcements.”

Final: I QUIT 164.74, Make My Team Win Again 128.30.

I QUIT improves to 2–1 and second place. Make My Team Win Again remains winless, stranded in tenth, and increasingly resembles a campaign bus with four flat tires and smoke coming from the glove compartment.

Team DuShuttle vs Hakeem Nicks is Real

DuShuttle Leaves Nothing but Tire Marks

Team DuShuttle rolled through Hakeem Nicks is Real, 154.14–118.56, with the calm efficiency of a black limousine leaving a questionable hotel at four in the morning. Drake London led the attack with 30.4 points. Davante Adams supplied 22.7, Christian McCaffrey added 21.6, and Dak Prescott contributed 19.94. Travis Kelce and Cam Skattebo each scored at least 13, giving Doug DuShuttle the kind of balanced production fantasy managers normally see only after consuming dangerous quantities of preseason propaganda.

Jack Cassady’s team received 26.2 from George Kittle and 21.36 from Jared Goff. Unfortunately, the three starting wide receivers—Tetairoa McMillan, Amon-Ra St. Brown and Ladd McConkey—combined for exactly 26.2 themselves. One tight end matched the entire receiving corps. That is not roster construction. That is a distress flare. Omarion Hampton added 5.6, McMillan scored 3.7, and the Steelers defense managed five.

Final: Team DuShuttle 154.14, Hakeem Nicks is Real 118.56.

Both teams move to 2–1, but DuShuttle climbs to fourth while Hakeem drops to fifth. Hakeem Nicks may be real, but on this particular Sunday, the supporting offense was largely theoretical.