Derek v Chris

Hate Us Cause They Ain’t Us vs Purdy Young Things

The Twenty-Eight-Hundredths Campaign

The records will show that Purdy Young Things defeated Hate Us Cause They Ain’t Us, 129.02–128.74. The records will not adequately explain how Christopher Shoemaker survived by 0.28 points—the fantasy equivalent of returning to base with one engine missing and smoke pouring from the other. Derek Chimner assembled a broad offensive front. James Cook scored 21.4, Tee Higgins added 21, and Christian Watson delivered 22.6. But the final push stalled when Isaiah Likely managed 3.3 and the Seahawks defense produced only 2.

Across the line, Purdy Young Things unleashed two decisive weapons. Jaxon Smith-Njigba erupted for 37.36, while Derrick Henry advanced through the flex position for 21.9. The Vikings defense supplied 16, establishing the defensive perimeter that ultimately preserved the victory. Josh Allen contributed only 17.46, De’Von Achane managed 1.7, and Trey Smack kicked one lonely point. Yet history is written by the victors—and apparently edited to the hundredth of a point.

As the old slogan warned, “Loose lips sink ships.” On this day, so did one missed reception.

Final: Purdy Young Things 129.02, Hate Us Cause They Ain’t Us 128.74.

Shoemaker moves to 3–0, while Chimner is left examining the battlefield and calculating every abandoned decimal.

Brian v Kevin

QB PARTY vs Diamond Dogs

Operation Monday Night

By Sunday evening, QB PARTY had established a fortified position at 139.78 points. Brian McElroy’s forces had completed their campaign. Kevin Ware’s Diamond Dogs remained at 127.98, with one final unit awaiting deployment: D’Andre Swift on Monday night. QB PARTY’s advance was led by Jahmyr Gibbs, who thundered through the opposition for 41.4 points. Brock Purdy provided 35.28, and Chris Olave added 21.7. Even with Justin Jefferson rationed to 5.2 and Kyle Pitts disappearing with 1.5, McElroy built an imposing defensive line.

The Diamond Dogs refused surrender. Bijan Robinson delivered 37.3, Garrett Wilson added 28.7, and Josh Downs supplied 12.7. But C.J. Stroud’s 12.68 and Dalton Kincaid’s 3.8 left the Dogs needing reinforcements. Now the entire campaign rests on Swift. He requires 11.81 points to capture the matchup. The projections favor Diamond Dogs, 58% to 42%, but projections are merely maps—and maps have been known to lie.

The period posters said, “Keep calm and carry on.” Kevin Ware must now keep calm while one running back carries everything.

Current score: QB PARTY 139.78, Diamond Dogs 127.98.

Monday night will determine whether this becomes a successful counteroffensive or McElroy’s finest hour.

Will v Carl

ace trumpets vs. Team carl

The Encirclement of Team Carl

By the time the weekend dispatches arrived, Ace Trumpets had amassed 141.64 points and effectively surrounded Team Carl, stranded at 89.50. William Black’s attack arrived in waves. Brock Bowers seized the center with 29.6, Matthew Golden delivered 23, and Kyren Williams supplied 21.8. George Pickens, Deebo Samuel and Parker Washington each crossed 13 points, forming the kind of balanced formation commanders draw on maps shortly before declaring the operation a complete success.

Team Carl attempted to hold the line. CeeDee Lamb posted 22.2, Trey McBride added 16.5, and Chuba Hubbard contributed 15. But Malik Nabers and Jaylen Waddle combined for only 14, while TreVeyon Henderson delivered 3.9 from the flex position. Two units remain undeployed: Saquon Barkley for Ace Trumpets and Jalen Hurts for Team Carl. But Hurts already needs 52.15 points merely to catch Ace’s present total—and Barkley has not yet fired a shot.

The official probability stands at 99% for Ace Trumpets. Carl retains one percent, which is less a military reserve than a rumor passed around the barracks.

Current score: Ace Trumpets 141.64, Team Carl 89.50.

“V for Victory” is being painted on the Trumpets’ command post. Across the field, Team Carl is checking whether the league accepts unconditional surrender before Monday.

Mike v Gentry

I QUIT vs Make My Team Win Again

The Failed Restoration

Make My Team Win Again entered the week promising a return to former glory. By Sunday night, I QUIT had established a 164.74–115.80 advantage and reduced that promise to propaganda. Michael Carnicelli’s offensive arrived from every direction. Ja’Marr Chase scored 24.8, Michael Wilson added 25.9, Lamar Jackson provided 22.44, and Kenneth Walker III contributed 21.3. Javonte Williams added another 18.3, while Tyler Warren controlled the middle with 14.7.

There were no isolated heroes. This was a coordinated campaign. Gentry Radwanski received 27.8 from Tyler Shough, 24.1 from Harold Fannin Jr. and 16 from Harrison Mevis. But the running game was devastated: Jonathan Taylor, Jadarian Price and Tony Pollard combined for only 24 points. Price supplied just 1.2, a deployment remembered mainly because the paperwork confirms it occurred.

Two Monday units remain for Make My Team Win Again: DeVonta Smith and the Eagles defense. They need 48.95 combined points to complete the rescue. The probability stands at one percent. The old broadcasts promised, “We’ll meet again.” At 0–2, Gentry would presumably prefer to meet a different opponent.

Current score: I QUIT 164.74, Make My Team Win Again 115.80.

I QUIT has finished its work. The restoration forces now await Monday’s desperate evacuation attempt.

Doug v Jack

Team DuShuttle vs Hakeem Nicks is Real

The DuShuttle Breakthrough

Team DuShuttle defeated Hakeem Nicks is Real, 154.14–118.56, in a campaign decided by sustained pressure rather than one spectacular strike. Doug DuShuttle’s front advanced steadily. Drake London led the operation with 30.4, Davante Adams added 22.7, and Christian McCaffrey supplied 21.6. Dak Prescott contributed 19.94, while Travis Kelce and Cam Skattebo each crossed 13 points.

There was no weak flank to exploit. Even Breece Hall’s modest 8.5 disappeared beneath the weight of the larger advance. Jack Cassady mounted resistance through George Kittle, whose 26.2 represented the matchup’s strongest individual counterattack. Jared Goff added 21.36, but the receivers never broke through: Tetairoa McMillan scored 3.7, Amon-Ra St. Brown managed 11.9, and Ladd McConkey added 10.6. Omarion Hampton’s 5.6 left the ground campaign without momentum.

By the fourth quarter, the outcome was no longer in doubt. “Kilroy was here,” the troops once scribbled wherever they had passed. On this fantasy battlefield, London and Adams left the message behind.

Final: Team DuShuttle 154.14, Hakeem Nicks is Real 118.56.

DuShuttle improves to 2–1. Hakeem Nicks is Real falls to 2–1, defeated by 35.58 points and a lineup that never received the reinforcements it needed.