2026-2027 Week 2 Round Up

Purdy Young Things vs i quit

**JOSH ALLEN AND JSN TURN “I QUIT” INTO A LEGALLY BINDING STATEMENT**

Purdy Young Things remained undefeated with a 168.72–144.20 victory over I QUIT, powered by the sort of two-man performance that makes the other eight lineup slots feel like administrative paperwork. Josh Allen erupted for 43.82 points. Jaxon Smith-Njigba answered with 44.5. Together they produced 88.32—more than half the team’s total and enough to defeat Ace Trumpets from the other matchup by themselves, which feels unnecessarily cruel but statistically important.

I QUIT didn’t play badly. Kenneth Walker III scored 25.8, Ja’Marr Chase posted 26.5, Rashod Bateman added 21.8 and Brandon Aubrey kicked in 16. That’s a legitimate 144.2-point week. The problem was Lamar Jackson’s 15.8 and Michael Wilson’s 3.8, plus the inconvenient reality that the opponent had two human cheat codes. Christopher Shoemaker’s squad now sits 2–0 and atop the standings. Michael Carnicelli drops to 1–1 despite posting a score that wins plenty of matchups.

Final: Purdy Young Things 168.72, I QUIT 144.20. The team name said “I QUIT.” Josh Allen apparently took that as consent.

Team carl vs Hate Us Cause They Ain’t Us

**TEAM CARL GETS RIGHT; THE HATERS REMAIN PURELY THEORETICAL**

Team Carl defeated Hate Us Cause They Ain’t Us, 155.56–126.98, behind 37.3 points from CeeDee Lamb and an excellent supporting performance from nearly everybody not named Malik Nabers. Nabers scored 1.1 points, which ordinarily gets a roster placed into witness protection. Fortunately, Jaylen Waddle answered with 23.8, Trey McBride added 18.1 and Harrison Butker casually dropped 16 from the kicker slot. Nothing reassures a fantasy manager quite like his kicker outscoring the opposing tight end by 14.7.

Patrick Mahomes gave Hate Us 33.98 points and James Cook supplied 22.9, but Rhamondre Stevenson and Colston Loveland combined for 4.9. That’s not a supporting cast. That’s two guys lingering near craft services after the set has closed. Team Carl’s lineup absorbed the Nabers catastrophe and still won by 28.58. That’s depth—or possibly witchcraft.

Final: Team Carl 155.56, Hate Us Cause They Ain’t Us 126.98. Carl improves to 1–1. Derek falls to 0–2, and at this stage nobody hates them because they “ain’t” them. They’re mostly just checking to see if they’re okay.

team dushuttle vs make my team win again

**TEAM DUSHUTTLE RUNS AN EXPRESS ROUTE THROUGH GENTRY’S CHEST**

Team DuShuttle demolished Make My Team Win Again, 178.06–110.82, in a matchup that stopped resembling a competition somewhere around Davante Adams’ third trip through the end zone. Adams unloaded 41.5 points. Dak Prescott added 33.76, Travis Kelce scored 27.1 and Christian McCaffrey supplied 22.6. Even the Patriots defense showed up with 14, which is when you know the universe has personally selected a victim.

Make My Team Win Again received 29.7 from DeVonta Smith and 29.2 from Jonathan Taylor. Those two fought admirably. The rest of the roster watched from a safe distance. DJ Moore scored negative-0.1, meaning the team would literally have been better off starting an empty folding chair. DuShuttle won by 67.24 despite Cameron Dicker contributing one point and Courtland Sutton only 5.5. Those weren’t problems; they were decorative imperfections on a wrecking ball.

Final: Team DuShuttle 178.06, Make My Team Win Again 110.82. Doug earns his first victory and moves to 1–1. Gentry falls to 0–2, proving the team name is currently less of a slogan and more of a desperate prayer.

Hakeem Nicks is Real vs QB PARTY

**AMON-RA CRASHES QB PARTY AND DRINKS EVERYTHING**

Hakeem Nicks is Real escaped with a 127.54–121.18 win over QB PARTY, and “escaped” is accurate because the entire margin was 6.36 points and Dallas Goedert contributed a robust 1.4. The hero was Amon-Ra St. Brown, who detonated for 37.2 points and carried the roster like a divorced father hauling every grocery bag inside in one trip. Tetairoa McMillan added 17.1, Omarion Hampton scored 17.5, and the supporting cast did just enough to avoid an investigation.

QB PARTY actually received 30.48 from Brock Purdy, 23.3 from Jahmyr Gibbs and 22.6 from Chris Olave. That should win most weeks. Unfortunately, Justin Jefferson managed only 8.5, David Montgomery delivered 4.4, and the Buccaneers defense added two points—the fantasy equivalent of showing up to help someone move and immediately hurting your back. QB PARTY had the stars. Hakeem had the Sun God.

Final: Hakeem Nicks is Real 127.54, QB PARTY 121.18. Jack Cassady improves to 2–0 and second place, while Brian McElroy leaves the party 1–1 with a warm beer and several uncomfortable questions.

Ace Trumpets vs Diamond dogs

**DIAMOND DOGS WIN THE FANTASY FOOTBALL EQUIVALENT OF A PARKING-LOT SCUFFLE**

Diamond dogs moved to 2–0 with a 97.52–82.06 victory over Ace Trumpets—a game in which neither team cracked 100, because apparently offense had somewhere else to be. Sam LaPorta led the winners with 17.2 points, followed by Garrett Wilson’s 16.7. That’s it. That was the artillery. Diamond dogs didn’t so much overpower Ace Trumpets as remain conscious slightly longer. Ace received 16.8 from Parker Washington and 15.7 from Kyren Williams, but Trevor Lawrence and Saquon Barkley combined for 9.16 points. Your quarterback and first-round running back producing nine points together isn’t a lineup—it’s a cry for help typed into an ESPN app.

The Dogs survived 7.72 from Caleb Williams, two points from the Jaguars defense and an entire roster that appeared determined to leave early. Somehow, it worked.

Final: Diamond dogs 97.52, Ace Trumpets 82.06. Kevin Ware climbs to 2–0 and third place. William Black falls to 0–2 and dead last, presumably because the league does not award points for emotional distress.